i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
