mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
