I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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