dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My ass is underappreciated
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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