Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
