she looked like the before picture.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
