Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize