You made me cry and you don't even care
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
