He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
