OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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