Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm just crazy horny about you
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
