it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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