I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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