I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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