the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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