): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
