Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He better not be in your backpack
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
