I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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