she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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