so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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