Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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