Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
So squirting runs in the family.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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