There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
