I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
