I will die if light touches me.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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