Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
