I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
i think my cat just said my name.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
