I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
