My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
