She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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