So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize