apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
