what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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