ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
