tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
