Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
