you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
