My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
