Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
