Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
