I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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