i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm like, not good at living.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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