Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
