I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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