remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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