I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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