i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
