Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
