please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
