I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
