I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
