I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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