chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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