And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
dude. I can hear the air.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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