I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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