I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
