Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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