He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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