Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I have aggressive nipples.
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