I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
