I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
